How important is family? Is your family the most important thing to you? Do you have people you’d like to kick out of your family tree? We cannot pick our family. God picks our family, or at least the blood relatives. Spousal choices are usually solely our own decision, and those decisions come with in-laws, who have no say. But I digress. The point is, we don’t pick our parents, siblings, cousins, and other blood relatives. So, what if we don’t like them?
Sibling rivalries are as old as the very first family on earth. Happily, few have results like Cain and Abel’s tragic story told in chapter 4 of Genesis. Of course, disdain for family members is not limited to siblings. It may be a cousin or an uncle, or your mother’s second cousin twice removed. As children, we have no choice in who we have to be around. As adults, we can usually choose to stay away from whomever we want. But avoiding people may not always be the best option. It may not be possible to stay away from just one person in a family.
Everyone does dumb things when they’re young. We all have regrets. Just because someone is a bratty child does not predestine them to becoming an abhorrible adult. Life has a way of teaching many obnoxious children how to behave as they journey through adulthood. Hanging onto childhood grudges is itself childish. People change and everyone deserves a second chance.
Strangers
Who are the strangers in my family? I attended a celebration of life for an uncle several weeks ago. The guests were almost exclusively family, and I was embarrassed to not know any of them. I knew my brother’s family, and my aunts and first cousins, and that was it. Sitting at the table eating and looking around at all the people was like sitting in a restaurant with strangers. Even worse, we don’t live that far from each other. So, what happened that made my family strangers?
Time changes people and even life. We get absorbed in the busy-ness of our own lives. When we lose the family member who seems to be the glue holding everyone together, we fall apart. Having differences with people is part of life. Differences and little spats are normal and shouldn’t cause rifts in the family, but they do. Competition instead of supporting each other hurts both sides. Also, listening to someone bash another family member without letting the other person defend themselves can have catastrophic consequences.
As adults, we need to do better. Kids need to grow up knowing and playing with their cousins. We need to hear the stories from our elders. Get-togethers should happen more often than when someone passes. Immediate family members need to support each other and be a part of each other’s lives.
Toxic Family
This is not to say that we should immerse ourselves in a toxic family member’s scheme to spew evil everywhere. According to WebMD, several signs are associated with toxic people: the need to be constantly reassured they are right and everyone is out to get them; manipulating others into changing their beliefs and doing things they don’t want to do; causing conflict, uneasiness, and emotional pain; disregarding boundaries; causing defensiveness or feeling interrogated to name a few. “Whoever troubles his own household will inherit the wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise of heart,” Proverbs 11:29 (ESV).
Toxic people are always starting stories/gossip with, “Don’t tell ____, but…” They don’t want you to tell the person they’re talking about because they’re lying. They lie about people to make you not like them. Then, they lie about you to the other person, so they won’t talk to you. They demand complete allegiance from everyone around them. And they require their ‘friends’ to completely alienate those they deem enemies, a.k.a. people who can expose their lies. They don’t care who they hurt or how much suffering they cause. Their needs are the only thing that matters.
It’s also common for toxic people to project their wrongdoing onto others. For example, accusing a spouse of cheating when they are the one cheating. They’re masters of gaslighting – causing you to doubt your own perceptions and even your memories. Apologies from toxic people are rare to non-existent. So, if you have someone in your family like this, you probably should keep your distance. It’s unlikely that you have many people in your family like this. Pray for the family members who are toxic.
Love the Mess
Most people think their family is messed up, and there is probably a degree of dysfunction in every family. Let’s face it, none of us are perfect. However, family members who love you deserve a chance before you attend their funeral. Perhaps what you believe about them is unfair, distorted, or a lie fed to you by a toxic person.
Unhealthy families have always existed. Jacob and Esau, twin sons of Isaac and Rebekah in Genesis chapter 27 is an example. Jacob deceived their father, Isaac, into thinking he was his brother, Esau, to receive the blessing intended for Esau. The blessing belonged to Esau because he was the oldest. Rebekah, was a co-conspirator in the fraud, which makes this family story even more dysfunctional. When Esau found out what happened, he planned to murder Jacob. When Rebekah learned of Esau’s plan, she sent Jacob to live with her brother Laban to keep him safe. Still think your family’s messed up?
We read in Genesis chapter 33, many years later, Jacob returns home with his wives, children, servants, and livestock. He is afraid that Esau is still angry with him, so he sends servants ahead with a gift of livestock. Esau, with 400 servants, immediately traveled to meet his brother and threw his arms around him and kissed him. The brothers forgave each other, but it is likely that Jacob’s beloved mother, Rebekah, died while he was gone. What a tragedy!
Except in the case of toxicity, if you have family, love them, pray for them, and don’t expect perfection. Romans 12:9 gives us great advice for family, “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” We’re not promised our next breath. Cherish every possible moment before they’re gone.
